Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Yard Funk...

Unstrap one side of your overalls and come on over now, y'hear?  Oh, and feel free to leave your shoes and your teeth at home for this one.

You are probably certain that someone has maliciously overtaken my blog, but you are wrong.  It is Redneck Yard Link-Up time over at The Borrowed Abode.  Would you believe me if I told you that these pictures are an improvement?

I'll begin with the not-terribly-horrifying "big picture."  Check out that peaceful hammock, while ignoring the diapers on the line!

And now I'll bring you along for the redneck tour...  got yer gingham crop top and braided pigtails ready?

Here is our sliding screen door, still taped up from Hurricane Ike (2008) and the foundation repair (2009)... it keeps the critters out and distracts you from the filthy screen!

Feast your eyes on this spectacular patch-job from our foundation repair... you'd never know that they dug a hole there wouldja?  Oh, except that the patches don't match and it has elevated parts of the patio 4-6 inches?

Hows about the veggie garden?  Sorry, St. Francis, I won't tag you in the pics, and maybe I'll finish cleaning up in the next few years.  (note the ant-infested half-bag of soil at the top left, two rolls of chicken wire, a roll of weed-blocking tarp, curling ribbon garden grid, piles of sticks to attract a bug-control-patrole of anoles, and patchy growth of crops due to squirrel "seed reassignment" and hapless digging. oh, and check out our only "functional" hose that is a soaker and requires being strategically coiled around the top of the garden to disburse the water... and which I have to hop the fence to turn on and off at the delightfully "weatherproofed" spigot)
...this delightfully "weatherproofed" spigot)

Did anyone else notice the TWO seen-better-days swing sets?  While we are thoroughly appreciative of the 1. donation of the "tree house" set, and 2. the labor it took to get it to our house by my marvelous in-laws, I don't think anyone would argue that it could use some... ahem... safety upgrades... and aesthetic enhancements.  Oh, and that's where we do most of our recycling... in case you were wondering... no, wait, that's the bin we jimmy-rigged with a garbage bag for Ryan to pull the weeds.
See that dangling partial rope?  The squirrels chewed it from the ground up to its current length... I don't foresee it helping any kids climb up the "rock wall" ladder.

Oh, that old thing?  It's our home-made porch swing frame (?) we inherited it from the previous owners, and we are thankful that Hurricane Ike rid the frame of the former PVC pipe and scrap-wood "porch swing" that used to hang from it... I love me some DIY previous owners!  I'm always a little bit offended when people ask me if I built that frame... seriously friends?  I had an art concentration in college!  Oh... now I get it.

What are those holding up?  Why, the invisible loquat tree that died last winter (2009-2010) that we chopped down this February(2011).
Oh wait, the loquat tree isn't invisible, it is in a heap by the shed and our cinder block pile...
... our stealthily possum-proofed shed, I might add! The former owners were very proud of that fact. Pay no mind to those two measly tile fragments...
Because, BEHOLD!  We have a collection of marble tile scraps!  Be still your redneck hearts!  They are carefully guarded by the curb-side-salvaged zebra who has patiently awaited a fresh coat of bright and bold spraypaint (I think we picked him up over a year ago... and by we, I mean I forced Ryan to stop and be embarrassed while I excitedly skipped to the curb and stealthily put this little fellow in my trunk).  Don't mind the filthy pollen-covered shirt... we're keeping it there incase it freezes again this summer Houston.
We also keep a collection of boards on hand in case a hurricane comes through again...

I'm guessing something used to hang from the Pecan tree?

It takes hard work and dedication (read laziness) to attain "bushes" this forest-like!  Oh look!  My lime green curling ribbon (in the sunny spot under the "bush")!

Here's the remainder of our third crop of weeds this year; I had to stop Ryan from destroying any more evidence of our weed garden: supposedly you can eat/use every part of a dandelion... weed salad anyone?  weed tea?  Get your minds out of the smoke shop.

Check out our lovely randomly painted bricks, they are ever-so coordinated with our nautical color scheme.  We (the previous owners) painted those to try to disguise our kiddie pool that has missed the truck on no less than 5 HEAVY TRASH PICK-UPS since last summer - I guess we'll be scrubbing it out and using it again this summer!  While the kiddie pool missed the pick up at our house, the colorful table missed the pick-up at someone else' because I snagged it and the broken leg to try to salvage it for my little band of babies.  Oh, and ignore that patio set that Ryan's been begging me to trash for no less than two years now (we have a matching one in the shed, too!!)  I bet you were too busy looking at our marble scrap collection to notice, though, weren't you?

Fence-post tree bench, anyone?  What better spot to store squirrel-proofed plant pots?!  With squirrel trees growing in them... some effective squirrel proofing job!

You're just in time for the biker rally for up-and-coming Hell's Satans members (Simpson's? anyone?)... it's a pretty hardcore baby bike gang that meets at our house regularly and parks its vehicles willy nilly.  Just last week I picked up that sweet vinyl ottoman, that I thought would be a cool footrest while lounging barefoot and toothless on the patio with my biker babies and an ice cold bud light (redneck points).
It doesn't get any more redneck than hay-stuffed trash-picked outdoor ottomans... well, maybe it does if you sit on it wearing jorts (jean-shorts... jorts).

Yap, I hooked up that thar antennuh to the chimney and ran some extra wire through the wall so we can plug the TV in right next to the fire place and right in front of the sliding door.  Not.  That's another unfortunate inheritance from the previous owners.  I dig the resourceful coiling of the excess wire and the fancy mismatched spot lights they hooked up for us, too! (this photo does not do the size of the antenna justice... it communicates with aliens in other galaxies...massive)

Oh, and the two-year-old likes to take our vacuum tubing everywhere (he clearly doesn't get that from my side of the gene pool!)... he clearly doesn't have enough toys either.  ...and it wouldn't be redneck without some bare unpainted toes!

And because you probably thought we were keeping some skeletons in our closet... here's our fabulous FRONT YARD!  Check out the yellow patches which are probably indicative of a chinch bug problem, the TWO funky light fixtures, the rubble garden that is left over from the great foundation repair of 2009.  That carefully pruned stick was an orchid tree before the freeze this winter, and you can see all of its baby orchid trees growing up around it.  This is the second year in a row that we've killed that poor little tree.

For the record, when I lay in the hammock I can only see the leaves up above or the cute kid I'm snuggling, which makes it temporarily easy to forget that I should be busting hump to get this yard in shape!  See what I mean? (ok, I haven't posted this for three days because my computer won't recognize my phone to upload this video... hop over to my facebook videos to see what I'm talking about... the kid in the tuxedo onesie, who definitely likes to party, smiling and cooing is what I am referring to... redneck points for tuxedo onesie?  I'll work on posting that video later).

I really hope this redneck yard post wins me a sweet prize to help fix this bidness up.  (end-of-sentence preposition!!  bonus redneck points!)

Redneck references brought to you by my Texan heritage.  Remember the Alamo, y'all.


  1. Baby, you're the right kind of wrong. We'll be over in an hour with mojitos and wet laundry.

  2. Renee, you crack me up! I so enjoy your posts.
    We can wasn't until VERY recently that we got rid of an old basketball hoop, turtle sandbox/swimming pool, and trellises from the previous owners (we've been in our house for 4 years!). Those items had made a home next to the air conditioner and would not allow for the grass to be cut around them. That made for some interesting...umm...landscaping.
    You just keep looking up at those beautiful trees from your hammock, and it will all be ok :)

  3. This is awesome! I'm so glad that you linked up to the party and decided to embrace your yard's best and worst attributes publicly! :)

  4. Renee, thank you for sharing this! It's nice to know other sane people have these issues. We currently have 2x4s propping up our privacy fence. . . we move them around periodically depending on which part of the fence is looking the droopiest :)