Playful Learning

Friends, I am bursting with joy to share my most recent endeavor!  For the first time in my life, I have (or have made) time for leisure reading in the past 6 months - a hobby I intend to continue - and for Christmas my mom gave me the book Playful Learning Spaces by Mariah Bruehl.  I am fangoriously devouring it.  Fangoriously... gold star if you catch that reference from the early 2000s.  It is loaded with great information about stages of development in different areas of learning (art, math, writing, etc), and she offers suggestions for creating meaningful play and learning experiences for children of all ages and developmental levels.

Last week we cleared our junk room to host some dear friends who were in town from Michigan, and the guest room without guests in it, is our new family studio.  If you can imagine, the room was stacked with boxes and toys and outgrown clothes and craft supplies from wall to wall waist-high just over a week ago, and now we have a clean studio space!

Guest room from the door that we were unable to fully open a week ago.  The towels and blankets (on the shelf) will return to the linen closet in the hall until we are expecting guests.

Our expandable day bed is back to twin-size, and the shelves are ready for new activities for the children.  We'll be adding an easel and table to the space along with some playful and carefully designed art, writing, science, and math activities (some of which may end up on the kitchen and living room shelves... we can't cram everything into one room!).

View looking back toward the door (to the left out of view) and curtained closet.  The toys and books on the shelf were just a couple things to help our mini overnight guest feel at home.

A big open wall and a couple pop-arty pictures to hang on a wall somewhere.

  I already have little piles of in-progress work toward the goal of breathing life into our studio space.

The paints will likely remain in a closet with a tray/palate on the shelf, so we can be more aware of when they are ready for projects with higher potential for destroying rugs and walls. :)  They paint often, just with supervision to ensure that the paints are not being abused.

In addition to reading and enjoying Mariah's book, I have registered for her Playful Learning E-course, which should help fuel and direct my aspirations for our studio and our home.  She has a beautiful studio in her own home, and it has been a major source of hope/inspiration to me in the past year since I discovered her website and blog: playfullearning.net  Here is a video trailer for the e-course, in case you might be interested in joining... I'm already in, so say the word and we can be buddies in this process.  I hope to share some of my work for the course here on the blog!

NaBloPoMo: Say Sorry!

In 2007 I first heard the notion that we should not tell/force children to say sorry.  It was vaguely explained (or vaguely understood) that it is forcing a disingenuous response from the children - that they might not actually be sorry when we are telling them to say it and that they might become resentful or jaded when we force them to say things they do not mean.  I nodded my head and tried not to fall back on that deeply rooted reaction to transgressions.  "That hurts when you hit," I would say, or "we do NOT hit."  And off the hitter would scamper, leaving the hit child crying or angry and me frustrated that the hitter was "getting away with hitting."

At the lecture by Kathleen Duvall, she revisited this confusing concept, and it seemed much clearer the way she explained it (both philosophically and practically), and perhaps I was just a more open to hearing something different this time around.  She made the case that we have to consider our real goals for the children - do we want a pavlovian "sorry" response to crying?  do we want children to "use words" when they have a problem?  what words do we want them to use - have we modeled the words to them and do we continue to encourage the use of clear language?  do we want our children to care for people enough to work toward a solution to a problem?  There is so much to consider!  I certainly do not want my sons to feel helpless if their needs are not being met, or to spit out a response "because I said so" while they continue to stew with anger.  I also do not want my children to willy-nilly say "sorry" about everything:  "Excuse me, may I pass?" "Oh, sorry!,"  "Why did you wear that shirt?" "oh, sorry," we live in a culture of people who are sorry for everything and nothing all at once!  As parents, we feel that we are expected to tell our children to "say sorry" at the playground if they bump another child, or we have a guff if another parent does not tell her child to apologize to our child.

What, then, are we supposed to do?  Our goal is to have conscious and considerate children, so we have to model the way to be conscious and considerate and guide them in the way to care for others.  For example, my son pushes his baby brother and grabs all the toys away to a far corner of the room, leaving the baby crying and toy-less.  There are a few things to consider (in the instant... I know... more challenging parenting work!):

1. Why did Dominic push the baby and take the toys?  Is there a need that is not being met - to have space to play, to have respect for the work he did to set up the train track?
2. What need is Liam trying to meet as he encroaches on Dominic's play - relationship with his brother, inclusion in play?
3. What is going on right now?  Liam is hurt (emotionally or physically) and Dominic is herding his toys into a coral away from the baby instead of playing with the toys or the baby.
4. What needs to happen next?
• to meet Liam's needs:  to feel included, preferably by his brother, to get some comfort for his hurt feelings
• to meet Dominic's needs:  a way to play with security that his toys will not be destroyed by baby-zilla, to build a good relationship with his baby brother

Now that I've considered all that, my goal is to help Dominic to comfort his brother, "what does Liam need to feel better?  Can you pat his back?  Could you choose one toy to offer Liam?"  If Dominic is not ready for any of that, I will model the way to care for someone who is hurt "Liam, you look hurt/sad, I am going to rub your back.  Do you need someone to play with?  Let's roll this ball together, Dominic needs space to play with that other toy set."  Once Liam is no longer upset, I can talk to Dominic.  I want to validate and empathize with his feelings of frustration or anger, and model that there is a different way to address those feelings (instead of pushing):  "Were you so sad/angry/frustrated when Liam wrecked your train track?  You needed space to work, and he knocked down the bridge.  You wanted Liam to move away and give you space."  I'll also point out that Liam had different needs:  "Liam wanted to play with his big brother because he loves you and looks up to you, he needs to feel included.  Is there a way he can play with you/ is there a toy from this set that you could offer him so he feels included?"  If that is way too much, perhaps I'd just leave it at, "you really need some space to fix your toy right now," but more often than not, Dominic is very willing to care for his brother and even if he cannot share the toy, he is usually willing to find another toy for Liam to play with.

So instead of ignoring all of that stuff that was going on (feelings, needs, relationship, etc) by just saying, "you say you are sorry right now and give him that toy," or "you go to a time-out while your brother plays here," we addressed all of those needs and feelings and included all involved parties in reaching a solution.  If there was a real injury, Dominic could certainly go get some ice from the freezer, or a washcloth to wipe a scrape - children are so attuned to the needs and comfort of others when they are just given a chance!  With older children it is very helpful to give each a chance to talk, and elicit the feelings/needs from the children because they have some vocabulary and understanding of what is going on.  By giving each child a time to speak and listen to the other, the children gain experience in listening to others - once they each vent "what happened," they can be asked, "what is the solution? do you have any ideas?"  For older children, it is even worthwhile to ask questions like, "what could have prevented this problem?  what could we do differently in the future to care for each other's needs?"  Often with the older crowd there is a simple misunderstanding, that needs further communication instead of an absolute judgement/sentence from an adult.

Working with children at the elementary level this year, in an after-school setting, I've observed that a pretty "stock" answer to those questions is "I don't know," followed by the expectation that I will dole out a judgement of who is right, who is wrong, who has to stop doing xyz, and who gets to continue along, etc.  For a while I was exasperated talking these things through, until I started asking the children to take a moment to think, "because I don't have a solution to every problem, and I know they can work it out."  It amazes me the solutions they come up with and how nemeses can turn into friends after just a few minutes of working through an issue.  If I take these observations to the larger social arena, it isn't difficult to notice areas that people want and expect someone else to "fix" an issue while they completely shirk personal responsibility - the heads of major banks participate in risky lending practices, cost us billions in tax dollars, and then continue to have our support in our patronage of their businesses!  It is as though we are conditioned to accept a "sorry" without any real reparation.  We allow someone else to "handle it" instead of taking a proactive approach to our needs, and even worse, we assume that because someone utters the word "sorry" at the ring of a bell, that the truly mean what they are saying.  I'd be inclined to think that actions are far more meaningful than words, as Eliza Doolittle put it, "SHOW ME!"

Perhaps tomorrow I'll ponder the ways some of these strategies work in a classroom setting - in some ways it is more challenging, while in other ways it is much easier because of the assistance we get from the children.

NaBloPoMo: Do What I Say vs. Be an Autonomous, Functional Human Being

This week I attended a PSO lecture at St. Catherine's Montessori by Kathleen Duvall, a Human Development Specialist and Montessorian.  I was nervous to attend the talk having read part of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, and feeling down on myself for being a "bad parent" (using far too many rewards and punishments in my day-to-day with the kids).  Kathleen asserts that the three basic needs of humans are 1. autonomy, 2. relationship, and 3. competence.  Considering these three human needs, she makes an argument against rewards and punishments because they do not adequately meet the needs of the child in becoming an autonomous and functional human being.  Rewards and punishments (according to Kohn and Duvall) put the child in a relationship of being controlled by the parent, and this is a popular outlook on the parent-child relationship in our culture, that children should do what adults say when adults say it, even if that outlook does not seem to produce the type or quality of children we intend to produce as parents!

There is a large body of research on the efficacy of rewards and punishments short-term and long-term, and based on my reading on the topic, rewards and punishments are only minimally effective short-term.  Long-term, the effects can be completely opposite of the initial intention in altering a child's behavior - if obedience is the goal, rebellion often follows; if the goal is "making good choices," children often lose their sensitivity to choosing anything because the "good" choice is always made by the parent, and so on.  Kohn asserts in his writing on the topic, that we might spank a child to alter a behavior in the moment (to go to bed, to sit quietly in a restaurant, etc), and when the "consequence" does not work (short or long term) we determine that what we need is... are you ready for this... more of exactly the same ineffective consequence.  It is also worthwhile to mention that Kohn considers rewards and praise to be equally ineffective (and even as damaging) as punishments, so when he says spanking, he would just as well say the same about a sticker or lollypop.

After some reflection and feeling very obstinate to even consider the possibility that I would think in such a pattern, I've started to think he might be on to something.  When Dominic does not respond well to a gentle direction at bed time, I increase the intensity of the demand direction by raising my voice; when he doesn't respond again, I make an angry face when I raise my voice; when he doesn't respond to the angry face and louder voice, I close him in his room crying (and continue using the angry face/loud voice combo each time he comes out of the room); when he comes out of his room crying and squirming that last time I might increase the intensity by spanking him, at which point he lays in his bed crying and crying until he finally falls asleep or until I come into his room to make amends (or make a peace offering of one more song or one more book, etc).  One punishment doesn't work, so I increase the punishment, and keep doing so until my son is helpless but to comply.  I almost feel like one of the Milgram Experiment subjects - administering shocks out of blind obedience to my culturally conditioned ideas of how to "deal with" children who are "defiant."

So, how do you "handle" these "defiant" little beasts you carried in your womb for 9 months?! (the world may never know... just kidding) Kathleen's suggestions (consistent with Kohn's, and consistent with what has been working at our house lately) are as follows:

1. Establish a consistent routine that works for your family (these are the things that will happen within xyz timeframe).  
2. Make sure the child has plenty of information - it is dark outside, it is 8:00 now and bedtime is at 8:30 in 30 minutes, you need enough sleep tonight so you can feel healthy and ready for school in the morning, sleep helps your body to grow strong, etc.  
3. Ask the child what needs to happen within the scope of the routine - shirt or pants first, book or tooth brushing next, one book and two songs or two books and one song, what prayer will we do tonight, etc.  Ask LOTS of questions, and try to avoid making demands (do this, do that).  "Oh, do you have a different idea (of what is next, of what to read, of which pjs to wear)?" is possibly my favorite concrete suggestion from the lecture!  
4. Give children the space and time they need to do the next thing - they are still taking in and learning the way their world works, and because of this they need more time to process things that seem simple to an adult who has been on the planet 8 (or more) times longer than they have!
5. If you feel it necessary to "praise" what they have accomplished DON'T PRAISE (rewards are just as damaging as punishments), offer a concrete observation to affirm the work your child is doing:  "You worked hard to get your arms into your pjs," "it took a lot of work to get all the blocks into the bucket," "you put your clothes in the hamper," "you made a lot of choices to get dressed for bed."  By giving feedback with clear and precise observations, children can reflect on what it is they have ACTUALLY done and they can focus on the accomplishment, itself.  When we bombard children with "good job" or "yay yay yay," we place the focus on our parental judgement of xyz action, and truly, how serious can we be when we say "good job," if we say it about everything from urinating to solving long division problems?  (GUILTY... I am looking at myself and NOT pointing a finger here, be not alarmed)  We want our children to do these things because they can/ they need to, not because they make mommy happy enough to dole out a "great job, kiddo!"

By involving children in the process with open questions rather than closed demands (what book will you get, will you put on the blue or red shirt, vs. put the shirt on now, go get the book now, brush your teeth, etc), they get a sense of that AUTONOMY that is one of their major needs.  They experience a RELATIONSHIP of respect and support that is modeled by the parents.  The child has a greater chance of feeling COMPETENT because he is working within a framework that gives many opportunities for success in tasks he knows how to do and tasks he is learning how to do - the child is an effective member of the family community and an active participant in the routine instead of being a passive subject to the routine and a mere passenger in the life of the family.

Children (up to age 6) take in everything they experience in the family wholly, and modeling respect, support, and love is the best way to ensure our children will grow to value and emanate those qualities in their own relationships down the road.  I've noticed myself at times shouting saying things like, "NO!  You do NOT say NO to Mommy! NO NO NITTY NO NO NO!" as I desperately grasp at the air to take back those words!  I want to have a child who THINKS independently, who CHOOSES to do the right thing, who is CONFIDENT to STAND UP to someone who is pushing him (or someone else) around!  Kathleen said something that rocked my world, "the first time your child says 'no,' is the birth of his will, and it is a moment to be celebrated."  The only way to think and choose and stand up for yourself is to have the WILL to do so, and the only way to develop that WILL is to have opportunities to MAKE CHOICES, to THINK, to STAND UP, and what a blessing that our children get to grow their autonomy and will in the security of our homes and with simple and (relatively) inconsequential decisions like which pjs to wear or what book to read.  In this context, the bedtime battle seems to be so minor in relation to the BIGGER issues I want my child to be ready to address as he grows up.  This parenting stuff is BIG WORK and SERIOUS WORK, and I am practicing every day to become a better parent to my children to prepare them for the world beyond the nest.

*I have to say that blogging every day for 30 days is SUPER ambitious for a long-winded thinker like myself.  I'm going to say that it is more likely for me to post every other day... but I will also attempt to be less long-winded, and more frequent in my posts...  Thanks for being such a cool reader... "good job?"

NaBloPoMo?

So, I hear it is national blog post month (NaBloPoMo).  I trust that this is not a made-up-thing by Kristen over at Birthing Beautiful Ideas.  At any rate, a couple of my other favorite bloggers did some 31-day series(es?) in October and I was pretty impressed by the idea.

Jules, who blogs at Pancakes and French Fries, did 31 Days of William Morris, using the quote "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful," to bring some order to her home.  Edie over at Life in Grace did 31 Days to Rebuild Your House and Heart, to recap the past year(?) of rebuilding her home after a fire that destroyed all of her family's worldly possessions.  There were a few others, including Sandy at Reluctant Entertainer (who is having a giveaway of a KitchenAid food processor and a copy of her book today), and if I'm not mistaken the Nester started it, but I just couldn't commit to reading more than 2 series (in fact, I read them kind of novel-style over the past week... not great for productivity, but excellent for inspiration).

After reading the amazing stories of those two moms and the deliberate approach they took to "feathering their nests" over the past month, I am feeling moved to do SOMETHING at home over the next 30 days (well, 28, since it is already 9pm on Nov. 2).  I have as many ideas and inspiration as I have dirty dishes and stacks of paper in my house - and I guarantee you, that is a lot.  Because I work much better in a crunch, I'll treat this like a homework assignment for a class that I really like and we'll see what happens (I rarely did homework for the classes I didn't like).

I have a wonderfully orderly husband, and I am feeling an urge to become a bit more deliberate about the order in our home.  Also, I think I'll spend some time on being a more deliberate parent - taking some inspiration from Kristen at her gloriously thoughtful and genuine blog about life and babies and mothering and all manner of good stuff, as well as some of the books I've been reading lately (and, you know, all that Montessori stuff I have rattling around upstairs).  I already tackled the floor and hanging bar of the entryway closet and cleared out a ton of junk (without taking before pictures, woopsy), and tonight I'm going to finish the top shelf full of games and tiny baby winter-wear.  Look for pictures tomorrow along with another exhilarating post (oh, and maybe a clever title to this endeavor?... thoughts?... suggestions?)

What have I done?!

This morning as I drove home from the Starbucks drive-thru, I became overwrought with loathing for the number of times I've been to Starbucks in the past week.  Not really because I've totally relapsed on my horrible eating habits (curse those cake pops and my lack of will), but because I can count on one finger the number of times I've visited my favorite local coffee shop in the past few months - yeah, one finger.

Not only is the coffee more expensive and the treats mass-produced, but I don't know the people in that electronic ordering box, and they really don't care who I am beyond an arm passing them a handful of cash.  Fioza, on the other hand is a retreat-like experience every time I go.  The owner and the baristas (are they baristOs if they are male?) all know me and my ordering tendencies.  They know my children who did not even exist when I first started going to their marvelous establishment.  They play Pearl Jam, they play Uncle Bob (Dylan), they play reggae, they play soul, they play jazz.  They play "Daft Punk Radio," one of my all-time favorite Pandora stations, that I listened to at home long before I knew they were playing it.  I was loyal to them through the panna cotta discontinuation and the dessert "shots" discontinuation.  They ask about my family when I am there alone.  They ask about me when Ryan goes without me.  They look simultaneously shocked and encouraging when I order something other than a tapioca milk tea, sweetened - and I have never been disappointed when I stray from the usual.  They bring out an extra piece of toast for my kids when we order curry soup or panini - heck, they make the kids toast even when we aren't ordering food!

I feel like I am cool enough to be friends with the hip coffee shop guys, even though I am a mom of two who often forgets to grab a straw.  Even though I once dropped my drink in the parking lot immediately after buying it, for which I was told "shit happens," and handed a new drink free of charge and with a chuckle.  Even though I always have to run back in for "one more thing," sometimes two or three times.  Despite pestering these hip coffee dudes with millions of questions about what drink they think I might like, or questions like "what drink would be refreshing, decaf, non-coffee, not too sweet, iced, and not too girly for my husband?"  That minty hibiscus tea, although flamboyantly pink, was exactly what he wanted, by the way!

BUT I DRIVE THRU AT STARBUCKS NOW!!  I EXPECT MYSELF TO BE FIRST IN LINE AT CONFESSION THIS WEEKEND!!!  RENEE, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!!  YOU WENT THROUGH MOST OF HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE BOYCOTTING STARBUCKS FOR SOME NOW-FORGOTTEN PRINCIPLE!  WHAT GIVES?!?

What is wrong with me that I forfeit the best coffee moments available for a long line at a drive-thru?!  In the mornings, the Starbucks drive-thru isn't even faster than going to Fioza and unloading my kids and loading them back into the car!  Friends, I admit to this because this has to stop right now.  I will not forego relationship for convenience - especially a convenience that may not even really be convenient.  If I am going to spend $6 on something that I could kind of make at home, I damned well better be hanging out with cool people and enjoying the experience when I do it!  I'm off to give myself dirty condescending looks in the mirror right now... as I finish my last Starbucks pumpkin spice latte... I'm probably going to flip myself the bird, too.  Starbucks, you are no longer my mistress.  Fioza, please take back your prodigal daughter.  I am ashamed.

Got Goals?

It is no secret that I am a bloggaholic... I have a list of at least 10 that I stop by daily, then I click to other blogs from those 10 and at the end of the day I am usually looking outside at the darkness wondering, "did I do anything today besides read blogs?!"

Well, every day I DO do things other than reading blogs, often those things are inspired by the blogs I read, in fact.  Things like making christmas gifts for everyone that we are gifting, things like reorganizing the kitchen to be way more functional, setting up a toddler friendly home, rearranging the mantle, putting stuff into baskets (lots of baskets), creating a more suitable "drop zone" in our front doorway (since our entryway is actually our living room), and on and on.

For the past few days most of the blogs I follow have been posting goals and ideas for the new year as well as linking back to their favorites of 2010.  LOVED THIS!  Actually, the Nester is inviting everyone to link up on Thursday with their goals for 2011, and she shared her goals today over at The Nesting Place.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas for 2011, too!

Goals I've had in mind for the coming year include:  (I think I'll try to "schedule" some of these goals by Thursday so they will be more likely to happen)

• SIMPLIFY.  I tend to collect stuff.  Lots of stuff.  Let's call the stuff what it is: clutter.
• Get the 3rd bedroom in order.  Anyone want to commit to come stay in our guest room?  Nothing puts the fire to my heels like people coming over, and with a very close-able door on that bedroom I've had little motivation.  Actually, just yesterday Ryan and I discussed turning that room into a playroom so the boys will have an adequate play-space once they start sharing a room, since our house isn't really big enough for 2 beds in a room along with 2 kids worth of toys in the same room!
• Visit more parks and make better use of the park that is right outside our own backdoor.  We had a splendid afternoon in our backyard yesterday, and Ryan and I agree that we should spend more time out there.
• Pressure wash and paint the exterior of our house.  I've been warned that this is not DIY territory, but I'm really considering ignoring that warning.  If we get into it and decide that warning was absolutely true, we can always jump ship, call in the experts and suffer no real loss except the time and shouting caused by the attempt.
• Landscaping?  When our foundation was repaired over a year ago we were happy to see the leggy, ungroomed boxwoods go.  I am sure our neighbors will be elated by an update to the dirtscaping the foundation crew did in our front yard OVER A YEAR AGO!  Ugliest yard on the block, anyone?  I foresee some agapanthus, hydrangeas, milkweed, pintas, plumbago, gardenias, azaleas, marigolds... any other suggestions?
• Eat at home more often.  We already do this, but I'd like to compile a list of our favorite recipes that is easy to glance at to plan a menu.  I cannot remember where I saw the idea, but I LOVED the idea of writing favorite family recipes on the doors of kitchen cabinets... very cool.
• Repaint the interior of our house with more exciting colors... we liked the ones we picked when we moved in because they got our house clean and liveable, but now we're ready for some character.
• Make more gifts.  I loved the homemade Christmas gifts we gave this year (hopefully everyone that got them liked them, too!).  I'd like to spend more time working on gifts this year to avoid an advent rush like I had this year (which was still quite enjoyable, but left our dining room and living room a mess the week of Christmas).
• Plant a fruit and vegetable garden in the back yard.  Get the dirt delivered, put the seeds in the ground, and enjoy the harvest!
• Be more budget-minded.  Commit to using the envelope system.  We have really appreciated Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover during some financial difficulty this year.  We have not used our credit card since July.  We want to get completely out of debt, increase our savings, and work on the goals I'm listing without touching another credit card as long as we live... DO YOU HEAR THAT CREDIT CARD COMPANIES? STOP MAILING US AND STOP CALLING US!  KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF OF OUR HAPPINESS!  Ok, end rant.
• Keep tabs on the politicians that represent us.  Get their e-mail addresses at the top of our contact lists, and badger them regularly (monthly, weekly?  we'll see how this goes).  If it isn't in the constitution, don't do it.  I should send that e-mail right now, actually.  OK, the government makes it particularly tricky to send such an e-mail expeditiously... I've saved the link to the "contact forms" that I will fill out one by one as soon as this is posted.  By the end of the day all of the representatives from Texas will have a copy of the Constitution in their inboxes.
• Continue to invest in healthier food for our family:  growing our own produce, eating less meat, and choosing local foods as often as possible.  Get back to the farmer's market.
• Learn how to "coupon"... I hear that is a verb now?
• Use less disposable diapers.  We use cloth most of the time, but I'd like to see those packages of disposables sit unopened for longer periods of time.  This will start with buying more of our natural detergent (which would have been here by now if I had just ordered it online when we ran out...)
• Sew at least one wearable item this year... that I would actually be willing to wear.
• Blog more often instead of typing blog-length comments on friends' facebook walls and stati.  Be inspired by those friends and comment with a link back to the blog instead of hogging their walls!
• Get rid of clothes that don't look awesome on me.  Wear skirts more.
• Post more pictures on the blog.  I'll return to this one with pictures later.