Baby Stuff: Revisited

I know I posted a baby gear manifesto a long time ago, while I only had one child.  Now that I have two, and know friends that are having their first children, I figured it was time to update the old lists, which seem to have the worst formatting in blogging history (for what reason, I cannot begin to understand!?).

General Gear:
     1. Baby Carrier:   I have loved my ErgoBaby carrier; we got it when Liam was about a year old, but we use it all the time at the zoo, grocery store, mall, parties, etc.  The ergo is developmentally sound for the baby's spine because it offers more complete support under the baby's bottom; it is also great for mama's back because it moves the child's weight to your hips instead of your upper back.  I hear you can also nurse in the ErgoBaby, but I had already weaned Liam when we got it.  Dominic rides in it occasionally at almost 4 years old.  I loved my ZoloWear ring sling with Dominic (while he was the only child), but struggled with it when I had Liam because I worried he'd fall out while I was bending over to help Dominic.

     2. Sleeping:  I was an adamant non-co-sleeper before I was an exhausted new mom.  Once sense and exhaustion kicked in, we tended to co-sleep for ease of nursing at night - roll over, boob in mouth, back to sleep (repeat all night).  At the times I wanted my own space for sleeping or for daytime baby naps, we really liked our Amby Baby Motion Bed (the baby hammock), as pre-rolling babies were quickly soothed back to sleep if they stirred in the night.  Around 6 months with both of our boys (when the outgrew the Amby), we moved them to a floor bed (short IKEA mattress on the floor) in a thoroughly baby-proofed room down the hall - if an Amby is out of the budget or too weird looking, I highly recommend skipping the crib and using a floor bed from the start.

     3.1. Stroller (and a little about carseats):  DO NOT GET A TRAVEL SYSTEM.  I HATED MY TRAVEL SYSTEM STROLLER.  IT WAS WAY WAY WAY TOO HEAVY AND CUMBERSOME, and there are much better options available.  I wish I'd registered for something like a Phil and Teds stroller that can convert to a double when/if more children come along.  They are an expensive initial investment, but this would have been awesome to have when child two came along and there wasn't a baby shower to be seen.  You can buy a carseat converter if you like to keep your baby in the infant seat (which I didn't do with the second child... bizarre).  What we used and liked: Maxi Cosi infant seat and Pearle Stroller - it is a stroller the size of an umbrella stroller, that has clips to hold your carseat in it.  It is basically a compact make-your-own travel system that takes up a tiny fraction of your trunk space and is super easy to travel with.  A free hand-me-down double stroller that is way too heavy and takes up our whole trunk (did I mention free? priorities shift with child 2).
     3.2. Carseat:  As a first-time mom, I tended to leave Dominic in his infant carseat when we went grocery shopping, to the mall, to a restaurant, etc.  That is the whole appeal of an infant carseat, after all.  When my second came along, I rarely kept him in his infant seat to take him out of the car.  If I had a do-over, I'd probably just invest in an awesome (Brittax?) convertible carseat that will last from newborn through 18-years-old (or whatever the current carseat law requires).

     4. High Chair:  do not waste money on an expensive cushy one.  We LOVED our $20 IKEA Antilop high chair - you can hose it off on a bad day, wipe it with a sponge quickly on a good day, and easily take the legs out to fit it on the floorboard below your child in the backseat for a road trip to grandma's.  You can buy a $5 pad for it for when a baby first starts sitting up.  If money is no object, I would recommend a Stokke Trip Trap Chair or Svan High Chair, which convert to independent toddler chairs and on to an adult chairs as your child grows (another expensive initial investment that would be worth it long-term).

     5. Play Mats:  we really liked the easy cleaning and compact/simple storage of the IKEA play mats... they were also inexpensive compared to the ones that light up and "teach your infant spanish and long division"... a topic for another post another day.

     6. Changing Table:  we used a changing pad on top of a dresser, and liked having at least 2 covers so one could be washed while the other one was getting pooped on.  Ha!  When our children started rolling a lot, we just stowed the pad behind the bathroom door, and laid it on the floor to change them.

     7. Baby Spoons:  the plastic Munchkin brand spoons you can buy at the grocery store or Target hold baby food better than the standard rubber coated baby spoons.

     8.  Wipe Warmer:  used it with Dominic, could care less about warm wipes when Liam came along.

     9.  Diaper Bag:  we LOVE our black Columbia messenger-style diaper bag.  The key for us was unisex because Ryan is often out with the boys alone and doesn't want to carry a quilted pink paisley diaper bag that looks like a purse.  When we no longer need it for diapers, it will be a great multi-purpose messenger bag.

For nursing mamas:
     1. Breast Pump - thought I didn't want one with my first, ended up wishing I'd had one from day one!  I loved my manual Medela Harmony pump initially, but then I needed to pump hands-free, so I got the Medela Freestyle pump and had no complaints.  They make excellent pumps.

     2. Nursing Bras - get fitted at a maternity store (Motherhood Maternity had a TON of options) and buy several of these!  I preferred the ones that clipped open/closed on the strap near the collar bone (as opposed to opening in the front middle).  I didn't find any I liked while nursing Dominic so I only wore nursing tanktops, and looking back at pictures, I regret this decision... saggy... enough said.

     3. Nursing Tanktops - if you aren't big on supportive bras, buy one in every color, otherwise, these are great for lounging around at home or wearing under cardigans for easy nursing access while out and about.

     4. Gerber Prefold Diapers - Use these as burp cloths.  They are super absorbent for spitup and leaky boobs.  A dear friend suggested folding one up and putting it horizontally across my chest inside of my bra to manage leakage while at home or at night (best suggestion EVER).

     5. Bottles: we liked Dr. Brown's with child 1, by child 2 we didn't want to wash that many pieces each time we used a bottle and opted for the Playtex (?) ones that just had a few easily washed parts.

NaBloPoMo: Real Work, Real Helpful

So back on the topic of being more deliberate teachers at school - which only builds the parenting toolbox - I recently had a beautiful experience subbing in my own son's Montessori primary classroom.  As I probably posted recently, we have been really struggling with armageddon getting ready for school in the mornings.  I'm not a morning person, my son is not a morning person, and we are both stubborn non-morning persons - how's that for three of the biggest understatements in history right there in one sentence!?  We would fight tooth and nail before school to get breakfast into that kids tummy, to get pajamas off of his screaming flailing body, to get clothes back onto that flailing screaming tear-drenched body, and to get that flailing screaming tear-drenched furious body into the car and buckled into the carseat to go to school - oh, and I didn't even mention that there was another baby to dress and feed and a DIRE need for coffee.  I was a mess... for far longer than I care to admit... and we were consistently arriving with the 15-30 minutes late crowd, which is a BIG NO NO for children in any school setting, but especially for children so sensitive to order and ritualistic about their daily routines, as my very young son is.  I had become that parent, with the child that is always late.  Oh, that I would have known this was ahead of me when I was smack-talking about how annoyed I was with constantly tardy 3-yr-olds when I was a new assistant!

The situation was pretty frustrating, did you pick up on that?  The last day that we had this kicking screaming royal rumble of a morning, I was scheduled to sub in my son's class and we were both 30 minutes late for school because of the clothing battle.  I sent him in sniffling and went to the PSO coffee social to get a grip of myself before I had to face a classroom of 25 of his peers (many of whom were my former students... I was his teacher's assistant for a year before Liam was born).  At the coffee social, I vented the problem to the PSO president, who has a very cool 10-year-old daughter, whom I've known since she was probably 5.  She told me she was very familiar with this struggle, and that there were times that she loaded her daughter into the car, clothes in a bag, and drove her to school - one time in her underwear! - and that the problem promptly ceased.  I was impressed.  Over the course of the day, I met no less than 4 other parents who shared similar stories - getting rid of pjs entirely, dressing the night before school, wearing pjs to school, etc.  So I left work that day with some resolve to turn this mess around.  I e-mailed his teacher, a dear friend, and asked for her suggestions, to which she said she gave her full support - that she and the assistant would follow through with consistency on the issue if he did, in fact, show up in pjs.  Get to the point, Renee, this is supposed to be about school communities!

A week or so later, I was called in to sub in his class again (after only mediocre attempts at getting to school clothed and on time... we dressed in the lobby a couple times, and were still leaving the house screaming).  I walked Dominic into the classroom and into the restroom/dressing area and handed him his clothes.  I went to go get a much-needed cup of coffee, and returned to him standing on the dressing bench looking over the half-wall at me... still in his pjs, I know, you aren't surprised.  I tried to give him space and ignore him, so he could dress himself, to no avail.  He finally started calling me from across the room, and I went over to him to see what he needed, only to be met with a "NO!  I NOT!  YOU DO IT!"  So I stood up and scanned the classroom, and I called upon a child who seemed a little distracted in his work (a child I know is an expert dresser, who once asked for a full dress suit as a gift for a birthday or something).  I invited him over and asked if he would be willing to help Dominic get dressed, and he was very willing.  So I asked him what needed to happen first and asked if he could just tell Dominic each step to getting dressed, and I slowly backed myself out of the dressing area... sneakily, so as not to be noticed.

Not a minute later my son emerged completely dressed, his pjs in a bag in his cubby, and his older friend was back to work at his table.  I continued with the morning, inviting children to simple lessons, and redirecting children from silliness or back to forgotten works (I really don't do anything elaborate when I am a sub, as I want to be extremely respectful of the teacher's plans for lesson giving, and respectful of the children who I have not observed enough to give lessons).  It came time for 10 am false fatigue, and the classroom seemed to fall apart into loud, seething, chaos.  There was work on every table and mat, but not a child to be found at that work... which, for you non-Montessorians, is totally normal and tends to happen 1.75 hours into each 3-hour work-cycle; the goal is to shrink the duration of false fatigue as it usually leads into the most concentrated time of work at the end of the work-cycle.  I walked around to the loudest groups and asked that they lower their voices so others could concentrate.  It is a hard thing to be comfortable about false fatigue, especially for me, and it was a surprisingly lucid day for me to look at the clock during the chaos and realize what was happening and let it run its course.  I invited a few strategic older children to offer help to younger children who had "lost their work," and like magic, the class started to settle into "bigger" work.

Everyone settled into some work, and I sat to observe a bit and help a child with the names of countries in Europe.  About 20 minutes before dismissal time a few children had finished working and started wandering around again, so I invited them to join me in reading about the parts of a leaf (shockingly interesting to children 3-6, if you happen to have rolled your eyes at that prospect!).  As more children started to join us, parents of children in the toddler community accross the hall gathered right outside of our classroom windows waiting for their children to be dismissed - among those parents, my mom who was picking up my youngest brother.  The room started to become a little chaotic again as children realized it was "group time," and my son was getting out a knobbed cylinder block.  He dropped the block right at the edge of the group, spilling all 10 cylinders, which he proceeded to toss in the air... while the parents of other children were looking in on this display, and while I was making a futile attempt to describe the "primary vein" and the "margin" of the leaf.  Maria Montessori, who often manifests as the Holy Spirit, happened to be flying over at this moment, and zapped me with a brilliant idea (these are few and far between, my friends).  I invited another of the older children (who was causing me some trouble during the book) to help Dominic pick up his work so he would be ready for dismissal.  The child was happy to oblige and I didn't see another cylinder fly through the air; quite the contrary, the cylinders were restored to the block and the block was returned to the shelf.  We continued the book, we sang a song, and we lined up for dismissal.

I later found out that my mom was pulling some kind of Olympic ice-skating commentator move in the hallway, pointing out to the other moms, "I wonder how this will turn out; that is my daughter reading a book about... leaves?... to the seething masses; that is her son throwing those cylinders, which I am pretty sure is not the appropriate use of that material; and I know that she is pretty specific about materials being used appropriately... let's see if she lands this triple salchow..."  I think I landed it, but it was a Hail Mary pass inviting a sometimes rowdy 5-year-old to manage my always-NOy-son!

Moral of the story:  children are much more likely to listen to other children and/or accept assistance from other children.  You may be one of only two adults in the room, but you likely have 10 or more eager helpers an earshot away.  Children are naturally more gentle with their peers when it comes to assisting in challenges - often, they have only recently overcome the same challenge, making the teaching opportunity particularly poignant for reinforcing new skills.  I've also come to notice that when a child helps another child, they only help the minimum amount (in the best possible way), allowing the child who needed the help to do as much of the work as possible, strengthening his feeling of competence.  When a small child can't quite operate the zipper on her coat, an older child will put the two sides of the zipper together and zip a couple teeth up, but then turn the zipping over to her younger friend, who very-much wants to be able to do it herself.  This act of helping other children empowers the older group of students to develop a sense of leadership and a deep joy in assisting others, at the same time the younger group is absorbing the generous and patient example of the older students, which will manifest again in a couple short years when they ARE the older group!  Montessori was so brilliant in her observations of children and the application of her observations to the creation of an educational pedagogy and practice that allows for the development of the whole child, an education that allows the child to participate in "real life" from the earliest stages.  I find it humorous when I hear people say things like "well, how do these Montessori kids do in the 'real world,'" because it seems so clear that they are doing "REAL work" all the time, while their traditional school counterparts are being reprimanded for "talking in class," even if they were just asking a friend to borrow a pencil.  How silly that question is, and how silly the thought that children should be doing anything other than real work!

NaBloPoMo: Say Sorry!

In 2007 I first heard the notion that we should not tell/force children to say sorry.  It was vaguely explained (or vaguely understood) that it is forcing a disingenuous response from the children - that they might not actually be sorry when we are telling them to say it and that they might become resentful or jaded when we force them to say things they do not mean.  I nodded my head and tried not to fall back on that deeply rooted reaction to transgressions.  "That hurts when you hit," I would say, or "we do NOT hit."  And off the hitter would scamper, leaving the hit child crying or angry and me frustrated that the hitter was "getting away with hitting."

At the lecture by Kathleen Duvall, she revisited this confusing concept, and it seemed much clearer the way she explained it (both philosophically and practically), and perhaps I was just a more open to hearing something different this time around.  She made the case that we have to consider our real goals for the children - do we want a pavlovian "sorry" response to crying?  do we want children to "use words" when they have a problem?  what words do we want them to use - have we modeled the words to them and do we continue to encourage the use of clear language?  do we want our children to care for people enough to work toward a solution to a problem?  There is so much to consider!  I certainly do not want my sons to feel helpless if their needs are not being met, or to spit out a response "because I said so" while they continue to stew with anger.  I also do not want my children to willy-nilly say "sorry" about everything:  "Excuse me, may I pass?" "Oh, sorry!,"  "Why did you wear that shirt?" "oh, sorry," we live in a culture of people who are sorry for everything and nothing all at once!  As parents, we feel that we are expected to tell our children to "say sorry" at the playground if they bump another child, or we have a guff if another parent does not tell her child to apologize to our child.

What, then, are we supposed to do?  Our goal is to have conscious and considerate children, so we have to model the way to be conscious and considerate and guide them in the way to care for others.  For example, my son pushes his baby brother and grabs all the toys away to a far corner of the room, leaving the baby crying and toy-less.  There are a few things to consider (in the instant... I know... more challenging parenting work!):

1. Why did Dominic push the baby and take the toys?  Is there a need that is not being met - to have space to play, to have respect for the work he did to set up the train track?
2. What need is Liam trying to meet as he encroaches on Dominic's play - relationship with his brother, inclusion in play?
3. What is going on right now?  Liam is hurt (emotionally or physically) and Dominic is herding his toys into a coral away from the baby instead of playing with the toys or the baby.
4. What needs to happen next?
• to meet Liam's needs:  to feel included, preferably by his brother, to get some comfort for his hurt feelings
• to meet Dominic's needs:  a way to play with security that his toys will not be destroyed by baby-zilla, to build a good relationship with his baby brother

Now that I've considered all that, my goal is to help Dominic to comfort his brother, "what does Liam need to feel better?  Can you pat his back?  Could you choose one toy to offer Liam?"  If Dominic is not ready for any of that, I will model the way to care for someone who is hurt "Liam, you look hurt/sad, I am going to rub your back.  Do you need someone to play with?  Let's roll this ball together, Dominic needs space to play with that other toy set."  Once Liam is no longer upset, I can talk to Dominic.  I want to validate and empathize with his feelings of frustration or anger, and model that there is a different way to address those feelings (instead of pushing):  "Were you so sad/angry/frustrated when Liam wrecked your train track?  You needed space to work, and he knocked down the bridge.  You wanted Liam to move away and give you space."  I'll also point out that Liam had different needs:  "Liam wanted to play with his big brother because he loves you and looks up to you, he needs to feel included.  Is there a way he can play with you/ is there a toy from this set that you could offer him so he feels included?"  If that is way too much, perhaps I'd just leave it at, "you really need some space to fix your toy right now," but more often than not, Dominic is very willing to care for his brother and even if he cannot share the toy, he is usually willing to find another toy for Liam to play with.

So instead of ignoring all of that stuff that was going on (feelings, needs, relationship, etc) by just saying, "you say you are sorry right now and give him that toy," or "you go to a time-out while your brother plays here," we addressed all of those needs and feelings and included all involved parties in reaching a solution.  If there was a real injury, Dominic could certainly go get some ice from the freezer, or a washcloth to wipe a scrape - children are so attuned to the needs and comfort of others when they are just given a chance!  With older children it is very helpful to give each a chance to talk, and elicit the feelings/needs from the children because they have some vocabulary and understanding of what is going on.  By giving each child a time to speak and listen to the other, the children gain experience in listening to others - once they each vent "what happened," they can be asked, "what is the solution? do you have any ideas?"  For older children, it is even worthwhile to ask questions like, "what could have prevented this problem?  what could we do differently in the future to care for each other's needs?"  Often with the older crowd there is a simple misunderstanding, that needs further communication instead of an absolute judgement/sentence from an adult.

Working with children at the elementary level this year, in an after-school setting, I've observed that a pretty "stock" answer to those questions is "I don't know," followed by the expectation that I will dole out a judgement of who is right, who is wrong, who has to stop doing xyz, and who gets to continue along, etc.  For a while I was exasperated talking these things through, until I started asking the children to take a moment to think, "because I don't have a solution to every problem, and I know they can work it out."  It amazes me the solutions they come up with and how nemeses can turn into friends after just a few minutes of working through an issue.  If I take these observations to the larger social arena, it isn't difficult to notice areas that people want and expect someone else to "fix" an issue while they completely shirk personal responsibility - the heads of major banks participate in risky lending practices, cost us billions in tax dollars, and then continue to have our support in our patronage of their businesses!  It is as though we are conditioned to accept a "sorry" without any real reparation.  We allow someone else to "handle it" instead of taking a proactive approach to our needs, and even worse, we assume that because someone utters the word "sorry" at the ring of a bell, that the truly mean what they are saying.  I'd be inclined to think that actions are far more meaningful than words, as Eliza Doolittle put it, "SHOW ME!"

Perhaps tomorrow I'll ponder the ways some of these strategies work in a classroom setting - in some ways it is more challenging, while in other ways it is much easier because of the assistance we get from the children.

NaBloPoMo: Do What I Say vs. Be an Autonomous, Functional Human Being

This week I attended a PSO lecture at St. Catherine's Montessori by Kathleen Duvall, a Human Development Specialist and Montessorian.  I was nervous to attend the talk having read part of Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, and feeling down on myself for being a "bad parent" (using far too many rewards and punishments in my day-to-day with the kids).  Kathleen asserts that the three basic needs of humans are 1. autonomy, 2. relationship, and 3. competence.  Considering these three human needs, she makes an argument against rewards and punishments because they do not adequately meet the needs of the child in becoming an autonomous and functional human being.  Rewards and punishments (according to Kohn and Duvall) put the child in a relationship of being controlled by the parent, and this is a popular outlook on the parent-child relationship in our culture, that children should do what adults say when adults say it, even if that outlook does not seem to produce the type or quality of children we intend to produce as parents!

There is a large body of research on the efficacy of rewards and punishments short-term and long-term, and based on my reading on the topic, rewards and punishments are only minimally effective short-term.  Long-term, the effects can be completely opposite of the initial intention in altering a child's behavior - if obedience is the goal, rebellion often follows; if the goal is "making good choices," children often lose their sensitivity to choosing anything because the "good" choice is always made by the parent, and so on.  Kohn asserts in his writing on the topic, that we might spank a child to alter a behavior in the moment (to go to bed, to sit quietly in a restaurant, etc), and when the "consequence" does not work (short or long term) we determine that what we need is... are you ready for this... more of exactly the same ineffective consequence.  It is also worthwhile to mention that Kohn considers rewards and praise to be equally ineffective (and even as damaging) as punishments, so when he says spanking, he would just as well say the same about a sticker or lollypop.

After some reflection and feeling very obstinate to even consider the possibility that I would think in such a pattern, I've started to think he might be on to something.  When Dominic does not respond well to a gentle direction at bed time, I increase the intensity of the demand direction by raising my voice; when he doesn't respond again, I make an angry face when I raise my voice; when he doesn't respond to the angry face and louder voice, I close him in his room crying (and continue using the angry face/loud voice combo each time he comes out of the room); when he comes out of his room crying and squirming that last time I might increase the intensity by spanking him, at which point he lays in his bed crying and crying until he finally falls asleep or until I come into his room to make amends (or make a peace offering of one more song or one more book, etc).  One punishment doesn't work, so I increase the punishment, and keep doing so until my son is helpless but to comply.  I almost feel like one of the Milgram Experiment subjects - administering shocks out of blind obedience to my culturally conditioned ideas of how to "deal with" children who are "defiant."

So, how do you "handle" these "defiant" little beasts you carried in your womb for 9 months?! (the world may never know... just kidding) Kathleen's suggestions (consistent with Kohn's, and consistent with what has been working at our house lately) are as follows:

1. Establish a consistent routine that works for your family (these are the things that will happen within xyz timeframe).  
2. Make sure the child has plenty of information - it is dark outside, it is 8:00 now and bedtime is at 8:30 in 30 minutes, you need enough sleep tonight so you can feel healthy and ready for school in the morning, sleep helps your body to grow strong, etc.  
3. Ask the child what needs to happen within the scope of the routine - shirt or pants first, book or tooth brushing next, one book and two songs or two books and one song, what prayer will we do tonight, etc.  Ask LOTS of questions, and try to avoid making demands (do this, do that).  "Oh, do you have a different idea (of what is next, of what to read, of which pjs to wear)?" is possibly my favorite concrete suggestion from the lecture!  
4. Give children the space and time they need to do the next thing - they are still taking in and learning the way their world works, and because of this they need more time to process things that seem simple to an adult who has been on the planet 8 (or more) times longer than they have!
5. If you feel it necessary to "praise" what they have accomplished DON'T PRAISE (rewards are just as damaging as punishments), offer a concrete observation to affirm the work your child is doing:  "You worked hard to get your arms into your pjs," "it took a lot of work to get all the blocks into the bucket," "you put your clothes in the hamper," "you made a lot of choices to get dressed for bed."  By giving feedback with clear and precise observations, children can reflect on what it is they have ACTUALLY done and they can focus on the accomplishment, itself.  When we bombard children with "good job" or "yay yay yay," we place the focus on our parental judgement of xyz action, and truly, how serious can we be when we say "good job," if we say it about everything from urinating to solving long division problems?  (GUILTY... I am looking at myself and NOT pointing a finger here, be not alarmed)  We want our children to do these things because they can/ they need to, not because they make mommy happy enough to dole out a "great job, kiddo!"

By involving children in the process with open questions rather than closed demands (what book will you get, will you put on the blue or red shirt, vs. put the shirt on now, go get the book now, brush your teeth, etc), they get a sense of that AUTONOMY that is one of their major needs.  They experience a RELATIONSHIP of respect and support that is modeled by the parents.  The child has a greater chance of feeling COMPETENT because he is working within a framework that gives many opportunities for success in tasks he knows how to do and tasks he is learning how to do - the child is an effective member of the family community and an active participant in the routine instead of being a passive subject to the routine and a mere passenger in the life of the family.

Children (up to age 6) take in everything they experience in the family wholly, and modeling respect, support, and love is the best way to ensure our children will grow to value and emanate those qualities in their own relationships down the road.  I've noticed myself at times shouting saying things like, "NO!  You do NOT say NO to Mommy! NO NO NITTY NO NO NO!" as I desperately grasp at the air to take back those words!  I want to have a child who THINKS independently, who CHOOSES to do the right thing, who is CONFIDENT to STAND UP to someone who is pushing him (or someone else) around!  Kathleen said something that rocked my world, "the first time your child says 'no,' is the birth of his will, and it is a moment to be celebrated."  The only way to think and choose and stand up for yourself is to have the WILL to do so, and the only way to develop that WILL is to have opportunities to MAKE CHOICES, to THINK, to STAND UP, and what a blessing that our children get to grow their autonomy and will in the security of our homes and with simple and (relatively) inconsequential decisions like which pjs to wear or what book to read.  In this context, the bedtime battle seems to be so minor in relation to the BIGGER issues I want my child to be ready to address as he grows up.  This parenting stuff is BIG WORK and SERIOUS WORK, and I am practicing every day to become a better parent to my children to prepare them for the world beyond the nest.

*I have to say that blogging every day for 30 days is SUPER ambitious for a long-winded thinker like myself.  I'm going to say that it is more likely for me to post every other day... but I will also attempt to be less long-winded, and more frequent in my posts...  Thanks for being such a cool reader... "good job?"

NaBloPoMo: The Bedtime Battle Outcome

To the tune of being deliberate with my parenting, I have to share a change that has happened over the past couple weeks.

I was DYING each night trying to get Dominic dressed and into bed in a reasonable time frame.  Then I was DYING again trying to get him moving and dressed for school in the morning.  Yelling, begging, offers for help, a spanking or two... desperate parenting attempts to get back to the way he was last year (peaceful getting to bed and peaceful getting ready for school).  It was not working and the situation was becoming dire (in my mind).

I put out a plea on facebook for suggestions.  I got a variety of answers on the topic as varied as letting him cry it out to spanking him to ignoring him to giving him more attention to setting a timer to waiting for him to be tired and on and on.  All of the responses were helpful in their own ways - just knowing that I am not the only mom struggling with this issue was HUGELY helpful.  Sometimes all I need is some solidarity to press on or reevaluate.  Some of the questions asked by other moms were very helpful as well:  is he getting enough alone time with parents in the evenings?  is he actually tired?  is there a routine in place?

So, having had it up to my ears with the melt-downs, I decided to step back a bit and observe (ha, should have done that in the first place... silly Montessorian).  What I noticed was that he was getting wound up right after dinner - running around, being a bit crazy, pulling out tons of toys without really focusing on any, etc.  I enacted a few changes after those observations.  First, I started initiating a little bit of quiet play and/or focused activity - building a puzzle outside of the board, cleaning up left-out toys in a systematic and cooperative way, rolling up the clean washcloths from the laundry bin, and also turning the majority of the lights off in the evenings.  This helped dramatically, and he was less reluctant to get dressed.  We also became more diligent about taking baths after dinner - if his clothes are already off, there is less of a fight to get undressed to put on PJs.  After the quiet play time in the evenings we've been reading a book or two from the library bag that hangs by the door.

At first he was still disinterested in going to bed after reading, and required a little more prodding and possibly some laying down time with myself or Ryan.  After a couple more days, though, he started to become more comfortable saying yes to going to his bed, and even more recently, he has told us that he is tired before walking himself to his room or asking us to carry him to bed!  We reinstated a sense of routine, we calmed the house for the time leading up to bed, we spend more time giving our full attention before bed with lots of cuddles and hugs and kisses, and the "battle" that had me in a total fury each evening has almost entirely ceased.

NaBloPoMo?

So, I hear it is national blog post month (NaBloPoMo).  I trust that this is not a made-up-thing by Kristen over at Birthing Beautiful Ideas.  At any rate, a couple of my other favorite bloggers did some 31-day series(es?) in October and I was pretty impressed by the idea.

Jules, who blogs at Pancakes and French Fries, did 31 Days of William Morris, using the quote "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful," to bring some order to her home.  Edie over at Life in Grace did 31 Days to Rebuild Your House and Heart, to recap the past year(?) of rebuilding her home after a fire that destroyed all of her family's worldly possessions.  There were a few others, including Sandy at Reluctant Entertainer (who is having a giveaway of a KitchenAid food processor and a copy of her book today), and if I'm not mistaken the Nester started it, but I just couldn't commit to reading more than 2 series (in fact, I read them kind of novel-style over the past week... not great for productivity, but excellent for inspiration).

After reading the amazing stories of those two moms and the deliberate approach they took to "feathering their nests" over the past month, I am feeling moved to do SOMETHING at home over the next 30 days (well, 28, since it is already 9pm on Nov. 2).  I have as many ideas and inspiration as I have dirty dishes and stacks of paper in my house - and I guarantee you, that is a lot.  Because I work much better in a crunch, I'll treat this like a homework assignment for a class that I really like and we'll see what happens (I rarely did homework for the classes I didn't like).

I have a wonderfully orderly husband, and I am feeling an urge to become a bit more deliberate about the order in our home.  Also, I think I'll spend some time on being a more deliberate parent - taking some inspiration from Kristen at her gloriously thoughtful and genuine blog about life and babies and mothering and all manner of good stuff, as well as some of the books I've been reading lately (and, you know, all that Montessori stuff I have rattling around upstairs).  I already tackled the floor and hanging bar of the entryway closet and cleared out a ton of junk (without taking before pictures, woopsy), and tonight I'm going to finish the top shelf full of games and tiny baby winter-wear.  Look for pictures tomorrow along with another exhilarating post (oh, and maybe a clever title to this endeavor?... thoughts?... suggestions?)

Human Tendencies: Order

As I stated in my previous post, I'm spending some time reflecting on the ways we as parents can better understand our children and better provide for their development by knowing their innate human tendencies.  These tendencies - exploration, orientation, order, communication, abstraction/imagination, exactness, repetition, self-perfection, self control, control of error, and purposeful activity/work - are observable in everything our children do.  Perhaps I will not notice every single tendency at work each time I watch my child, but I'll tell you, without reservation, that in watching our children we can always observe varied levels of subtlety of these basic internal drives.

Order enables us to put things into relationships, and in this sense, it is neither rigid nor compulsory.  Montessori observed a characteristic of children through the age of six called the "Absorbent Mind."  With this power, available only in those first six years, children take everything in fully and without discrimination (as a picture developed on film).  As children take in the external "order" of their worlds with their wholly absorbent and indiscriminate minds, they begin to develop their own internal orders based on their experience with the world around them.  Physical order leads to mental order.  External order is not limited to the arrangement of a space or tidiness, but also includes sequencing (a logical sequence preferable).  Order also relates to the child's communication, as each language has its own particular order - think of how silly the literal translation of Spanish to English can sound because of the internalized order of our language... "the shirt blue" instead of "the blue shirt."

Not only is each child born with a tendency for order, but also between the ages of six months and five years, children are in a sensitive period for the development of order.  Montessori observed that during periods of sensitivity, a person more fully, clearly, and perfectly acquires the object of sensitivity through an irresistible impulse for a selective activity.  So during this period, children are passionate about the ordering of the world around them, and they can be almost ritualistic in their love of the order of routine.  This love of order is deeply connected to the child's sense of security, comfort, and stability.  During this time of sensitivity it is important for children to find consistency in their environment, in their daily activity, in their routines, and (equally importantly) in the rules for their freedom and limitations (for what is and is not acceptable).

"So that's a heck of a lot of theory, Renee," you might be thinking, "and my child is in no way 'orderly'... you can come and observe it for yourself, you crazy philosopher!"  Rest assured, I hear where you are coming from, and now I do have some practical ideas for fostering this tendency for order.

Because they are drawing from the external environment to construct their internal order, the environment is one of the best starting points for helping our children toward a clear internal order.  Consider for a moment, that an extremely orderly/organized system to an adult, can appear to be a chaotic mess to a child.  For the most clear example of this, think about a toy box.  Imagine opening the lid and looking in - or take a moment and walk over to a toy box to actually look in.  What do you see?  Toys.  Yes, good start.  As an adult having toys all in one place is the accomplishment to end all accomplishments!  But now consider what your child's life consists of... (a heck of a lot of toys, right?).

Now humor me, and think about what your life consists of... (hair-care regiments, bills, work papers, kitchen utensils, laundry, gardening tools, CD collections, books, clothes, hobbies, that spare bedroom full of stuff, all of your kids toys).  Now, for the sake of this exercise, throw all of those things into a box... all of them... bills, hair products, pots and pans, formal wear, your iPad, that vase you got for your wedding,  gardening gear... all of it.  What do you see in the box?  It's ok, step out for some fresh air, dab the sweat from your forehead... this is just an exercise... perhaps a very uncomfortable one, depending on how orderly you are.  Now imagine what your child sees when they look into the toy box - chaos, their very distinct toys and activities (their livelihood) junked into a box.  I just had a flashback to my high school bedroom during that exercise!

I know, you're thinking, "But, Renee, it is so much easier to throw my kids toys into one box when I clean up at the end of the day or before our guests arrive at our house."  My response:  "You have to clean up after your kids?"  I jest.  My life involves some cleaning up after my kid (and I only have one that is mobile, so I can feel your eye lasers, mothers of more than one mobile child! I'll be joining you very soon).  When everything is in a jumble there is no inherent motivation for order - it all just gets heaped in and the bottom layer becomes visual noise for the higher layers and it can become impossible to see any one thing in the jumble.  So, now we're going to play WWMD (What would Montessori do?).

1. Use open shelving within the children's reach.  Choose a simple shelf that can serve as a relatively neutral backdrop to your child's toys and activities.  (suggestions for that big box in a moment)
2. Weed through your child's toys.  Is it appropriate for her age?  Is it in good repair?  Get rid of things that are neither, or put things away that will be used by another child down the road.  Another (personal) criteria that I use in weeding, is that anything that makes noise that I cannot stand is a goner... I supplement the need for music with real music and real musical instruments that do not enrage me with their nuisance... sometimes I just remove batteries if a toy serves another non-annoying function.  If you are not annoyed by your child's toys, keep them and do not tell anyone that I told you that you "have to" get rid of them - that's not how I roll... these are suggestions for order, not orders.
3. Before you put any of the age-appropriate toys in-good-repair on the shelf, think about what your child actually plays with.  By "actually plays with," I mean spends time using as it is intended - not just picking it up and tossing it aside to get to the next thing.  This step will require a little observation, and is more of a process than a "do it, did it, done" type of step.  
4. The younger the child, the fewer things should be accessible at any time (for 2 and 3-yr-olds, a good rule is no more than 3 items per shelf).  Begin putting the bare essential minimum of things that she loves and uses daily on the shelf (maybe the train set in its own special container, a puzzle, and a favorite truck).  Observe to see how this changes the way your child plays - my prediction is that your child will spend more focused time with the few activities she loves.
5. Keep the excess toys in a place that you can get to them to rotate with the ones on the shelf.  As your child stops playing with one toy, remove it and offer something new.  Maybe use the former toy-box for this purpose in a closet or in a different room.
6. Group similar things together (just like you separate your hair products from your kitchen utensils).  Baskets of similar things are a great way to offer a variety of things in an orderly way.  We have a basket full of percussion instruments on the living room shelf, a tray of cars on the kitchen shelf, and a tray with a few dinosaur cards on Dominic's bedroom shelf.  Don't overcrowd with too many of the same type of thing (one or two puzzles at a time).  If you have to stack it, simplify it, and use the rotation strategy.  A note about containers - if your child cannot see into it, she will likely ignore it altogether, so use shallow/open baskets and trays that easily reveal their contents.
7. Have a specific place on the shelf for each thing - and STICK TO IT.  Because they are so sensitive to order, they may struggle to clean up if they do not know exactly where to return a toy or activity.  Your child will begin to internalize this order and might spontaneously clean up without you asking - or at least begin to restore order when prompted and assisted.  There is also inherent motivation for order when the shelves are sparse, clean, and simple.
8. Keep observing and adapting to your child's needs and interests.

Using a system that is clear and simple will make your life easier (less stuff on the shelf = less stuff to make a mess that you have to clean up).  It will also provide an opportunity for your child to internalize an external system of order and help maintain the external order of his space.  This may take some time, because he has internalized the prior system for cleaning or not cleaning or for mistreating toys.  When my house begins to look like a toy explosion, I step back to reevaluate what is going on - is there a space for everything, does Dominic know that space, are we being consistent with our rules for cleaning up and using toys correctly, does he have an appropriate space to play with xyz toy?

If things are being misused or mistreated, remove them immediately as the offense is happening.  Explain or show the correct way to use the item and let the child know that it will return when she is ready to use it the right way (young children do not respond well to lectures, so use concise and clear language: "The blocks are for building.  You are throwing the blocks.  I am going to put the blocks in a safe place until you are ready to build with the blocks."  Then do exactly that - no giving in to pouting or tantrums - just assure your child that the toy will return, and try to direct the child to something else.)  Keep the toy put away for a few days, and when you are ready to try again, ask the child if he is interested to try xyz toy again; state or show the right way to use it when you bring it back out to the shelf.  Be consistent and remove it again if the same offense continues - for a very young child, a redirection may be effective instead of removing the blocks each time a block is thrown, for instance, "you are throwing blocks.  blocks are for building.  balls are for throwing.  where is a ball?"  Children feel secure knowing that you are saying things that you mean, and that you will help them when they need it.  It also reinforces their sense of order to experience consistency - even when it is consistency that leads to the toys being removed from the shelf.

At one point we removed all of Dominic's toys one evening before bed.  He was having a tantrum and refusing to put anything away (even with Ryan and I doing all of the cleaning - he would not pick up a single item), this was the culmination of several days of willy nilly cleaning up and lackadaisical reinforcement of our rule for cleaning up after ourselves.  We put the toys away on a high shelf in his closet, leaving his toy shelf bare except for his lamp.  The following day we returned one toy and reminded him to put it away as he finished.  The following day we added another toy, and continued reminding him of our rules.  Eventually all of his toys were returned to his shelf and he returned to the habit of putting each activity away as he finished it.  He was probably about 18 months old.  He was not miserable when he had limited toys, and quite the contrary, he was more successful with the skill we were trying to emphasize (cleaning up) because he was able to better focus on that task with fewer items to manage.  Often children struggle to meet our standards because we are giving them too much all at once and then we give up entirely, thinking that they just cannot do it, or that they are too young.

I'd like to remind my readers that my certification is for children 3-6 years old, and my studies beyond that age range are more heavily focused in the first three years of life.  While these young children are in a formative stage for order, children older than six have a higher propensity for clutter (is that the right word?), meaning they can more easily navigate more complex organizational systems by reading labels on boxes or understanding larger groupings.  A child of this age could also be extremely helpful in designing a system for keeping her toys orderly if asked good questions to lead her toward a system - what things do you need to get to often, what toys do you play with less frequently, etc.  For instance, an art box might be plenty organized for an elementary student - to find pastels, pencils, paints, glue, scissors, etc. in one container possibly further divided into baggies or smaller boxes.  This would be hugely disorderly for a child under six.  Likewise, rather than having one small lego activity on a shelf (which would be appropriate for a child under six), an older child would be better equipped to manage a large container of several distinct lego activities with the instruction booklets available to easily find the handful of pieces needed for this or that star wars vehicle construction project.

What systems do you guys find helpful?  Have you noticed any signs of your child's sense of order?  Is there anything particular that is totally boggling you?

Human Tendencies: Exploration

Maria Montessori observed over the course of her life's work that children in every culture and in every time exhibit basic human tendencies.  These tendencies are for exploration, orientation, order, communication, abstraction/immagination, exactness, repetition, self-perfection, self-control, control of error, work/purposeful activity, and movement.  If you take a moment (or 20 minutes) to observe a child it is impossible not to see one of these tendencies in action.  Perhaps you will say, "what?  Order?  Self-control? WORK?!  Renee, you've never met my child."  In this series I hope to give some insight into the most basic driving tendencies of childhood that help our children adapt to their time and place as well as ways to foster our children's development by utilizing these innate tendencies.

Exploration is a tendency our "helicopter" generation of parents is likely stifling.  Initially this tendency would have been necessary for survival - to explore the environment for food, to seek shelter, to find water. With basic needs met, the child can explore for the sake of exploration rather than for the sake of survival.

Exploration, of course, lends itself to discovery.  Within the house, discovery of the cookies on the highest shelf behind a wall of non-cookie items or discovery of the sharpie that was left within reach.  Outdoors, the range of discovery is boundless.  The cooler temperature of the shade trees, the insects that live under stones and boards, the movement of the wind in the trees, the changing of the seasons, the life cycle of plants in a garden, birds, sticks, pebbles, rain... boundless discoveries, I'm telling you.  I've never noticed any boredom in children who are allowed to freely explore outdoors!

Exploration is both deeply satisfying and deeply enriching.  With summer upon us, here are some considerations for allowing your child space to explore outdoors:

• A safe area that can be "supervised" from a distance.  Other tendencies (self-perfection, exactness, control of error) will help your child to largely self-regulate in regards to his own safety.  I am not saying put the kid outside and go take a bubble bath with your martini - although that seemed to work fine for my grandmother's generation of parents!  Be close enough without being an interruption - become a part of the furniture, as Montessori might say.
• A rich environment to explore.  A gated expanse of concrete would hardly offer much opportunity for exploration.  Consider elements that will appeal to all the senses.  
• For the auditory sense, helicopters/planes, trains, the nearby high school band practices (for you fellow urbanites), birds, rustling leaves, wind chimes, running water, etc.
• For the gustatory sense (taste), an herb garden with a variety of flavors to sample and fruiting trees and vines to get a simple snack.  Of course, you should present these to your child, so he is not eating poisonous leaves/berries/etc - show him the specific plants and how to identify them; it may be helpful to have a clearly delineated herb container/garden.
• For the visual sense, varieties of trees and flowers, bird and butterfly habitat, flowing water, perhaps a fish pond or some backyard animals, a "bug box" to allow a closer look at insects, snakes, frogs, and lizards (as a temporary observational tool... not as a permanent "pet" habitat).  
• For the olfactory sense (smell) flowers, herbs and compost.
• For the tactile sense, a variety of textures of leaves, sticks, gravel, sand, soil, water, flowers, etc.  The opportunity to go barefoot enhances tactile awareness as well.
• Finally, give the children a little space to just be - did I already mention that... it can use more than one mention.  Don't get fussy about getting "dirty" or playing with sticks or crawling under shrubs.

In a later post I will offer more bountiful ideas for "purposeful activity" or "work," but the tendency I'm focusing on is related more to a richness of surroundings and freedom to meander.

That said, purposeful activity is an excellent opportunity for observing this (and all of the) tendencies.  Consider a watercolor painting - the first attempt is almost certainly ends in a shredded, sopping wet, sheet of grey-brown paper.  As the child explores the activity, she may discover that subtle and light colors can be achieved with more water and less paint, or that rich bold colors often require far less water.  She might explore possibilities for brush stroke - fluid strokes or staccato taps of the brush to the paper.  She may discover that her yellow flower turned orange when she added a red center!  She may discover that her sopping wet painting from yesterday is now a permanent part of the wooden table she left it on to dry - or that she can only successfully lift a painting that has not become wet enough to soak through to the table - or that the paint runs when she lifts the painting immediately.  Other tendencies are certainly at work in this process - repetition of the activity, order of the steps for painting, control of error in realizing the outcome was more of a wet pulp than a painting, self-perfection in noticing (self-perceived) imperfections and working toward improvement on the next try, self-control in physically mastering the strokes and steps.  Some of these things will simply not come to fruition if the exploration is blocked.

Allowing a child to experience these things - some exciting, some frustrating, some beautiful, some dare-I-say ugly to the adult eye - is a far greater opportunity for learning and development than a parent-child lecture about "how to draw a flower" or grabbing the child's hand and directing it from the water jar to the paint cake to the paper to the water jar.  Would it be easier, cleaner, "prettier," on the first try for you to do it for your child?  Almost certainly.  Will the satisfaction and wonderment be that much greater when she discovers independently the technique that works best for her after multiple attempts and repeated striving?  Absolutely.

Extra Stuff

As I was reading a blog (surprise), a statement popped out at me, and encouraged me to revisit the amount of "stuff" Dominic has immediately available to him.  It also led me to think about how successful and independent he is outside in our backyard because of the carefully selected and greatly limited "things" to do.  Here's the quote that stood out:  "one easy way that families could make things easier for themselves is to cut down on the 'stuff' and really focus on what activities seem to be attractive to their child at any given time," and here's a link to the blog I was reading.  It really stood out because of how true it is at our house, and how crazy I get at home when it seems like he is just running from mess to mess (which has been the case lately).


The other day I put away a few random toys and activities that had just been sitting around being clutter, and in my rushing around, I left out my bucket full of clothespins from hanging out the diapers.  Later in the evening after realizing that things were "too quiet" and worrying that I might have lipstick - or worse, sharpie - colored on my hallway walls, I found Dominic "working" on clipping each clothespin to the lip of the bucket.  He painstakingly opened each clip, moved the clips to make room for the next one along the lip, adjusted and re-adjusted the way he gripped the clip to get it on the bucket, and was outright and painstakingly concentrating on this "work."  While I think this is an activity often utilized in Montessori classrooms, he discovered this motivation on his own, and set out to complete it without any external guidance from me or Ryan.  In fact, I think he noticed it because all the other junk was cleared away, and I think he stuck with it because he was not interrupted by us even when we noticed that it was a little past bedtime.

Another instance of beautiful concentration was at his cousin, Elizabeth's, birthday party over the past weekend.  While closely observed by adults, the children were hesitant to play and interact, but as the party wore on and the adults found themselves engaged in chatting and eating, the children found so much to do outside in the sandbox with the sand toys, climbing the tree house and sliding down the slide, bouncing in the moonwalk, and coloring with sidewalk chalk.  At times they played together, and at times they spread out to work on individual activities, but the most amazing part was that they required little to no adult intervention while they were playing outside.  It was a lovely example of Montessori's observation of the inherent desires to be profitably occupied, to have independence, and to have community.

Musings on Motherhood

I drank one too many caffeinated beverages tonight, and I am now sitting awake stalking the Facebook newsfeed... I'm hitting refresh every 3 seconds... I can feel my blood running in my veins.  The upside:  I'm clearly "over" my caffeine addiction if I feel this way after only 2 sodas.

In an attempt to keep things fresh and funky.  Funky fresh, if you will.  I plan to start typing here more often, even if it means it is totally rambly, ranty, ridiculous, raucous, rumpus, r-words!  This evening while stalking facebook catching up with friends, I found myself reminiscing about the early days of motherhood, and felt I should share those thoughts with a broader audience (ahem, 200+ pageviews a month for the past 6 months!  Blog visited from 4 continents last month... cah-ray-zee)

In the early days of motherhood...

• I thought my brain was going to explode from sleep deprivation and sensory overload and that my heart was going to explode because I couldn't sleep because I just wanted to stay up and love Dominic with my whole self while fully awake.
• I sometimes went to IKEA just to have some human interaction beyond interaction with a fully dependent baby - sometimes ordering and eating a 50 cent hot dog felt like the most thrilling part of my day.
• Some days I could not stop myself from crying because I was so happy.  I worried Ryan alot in the first weeks, because I was happy to the point of crying a lot.
• There were times that I just wanted to sleep another 5 minutes (but that was nothing new for me... I've had those times since I was born!).
• I am still overwhelmed by how helpful Ryan is with baby duties.
• Single parents amaze me, and they deserve to be on the front of every issue of TIME magazine.  Period.  I cannot even fathom the sacrifice it takes to be a single mother, and at the same time I have a pretty good idea. 
• Ryan's love for our sons is a constant reminder that I married the right man.  I knew he'd be a great daddy before we were married, but he has exceeded that expectation since we became parents.
• I totally forgot about the misery that was my pregnancies and turned all of that nauseous energy into snuggly-kissy energy.

As things started getting normal...

• I was surprised by how natural motherhood was and continues to be.  I'll admit that I did very little reading about "how to be a mom," the reading I did seemed totally crazy.  
• I learned within a couple hours of giving birth that sometimes doctors and nurses are just plain nuts.  "You want me to wake my sleeping baby to feed him?  Don't you think he'll wake up when he is hungry?  I've heard that they are born with a drive to live... which seems to indicate that they will not starve themselves... I'll wake him up if he goes 6 hours without eating or stirring, otherwise, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my room if you think waking a sleeping baby is a good idea." (that was a thought that I conveyed by smiling and nodding at the nurses and doctors who gave that type of INSANE advice... you know, since my child was healthy at birth... had he been in the NICU, I might have had a little compassion for those doctors and nurses)  Sometimes doctors and nurses are still nuts, and I will confide here that my children are fine, grow normally, are developing on a normal course, and I have never woken them up to feed them... they let me know when they are hungry.
• What?  How did I ever get peed on in those first weeks?  Changing diapers is so fast and easy!
• I started to wonder why people were shocked that I was ALREADY getting out of the house.
• The baby's own unfolding captivated me; I realized that providing a safe and appropriate environment is all they need!  (and a booby when they're hungry)
• The Babies'R'Us gift registry list looked more like a hilarious joke than a list of necessities... a swing, bouncer, bumbo, exersaucer, AND playmat?  Haha, that still kind of tickles me.  We have a playmat.  Only a playmat.  Sometimes we use a bouncer or swing at my parents' house, but they are hardly necessities.  Sometimes I think a cardboard box would have been just as effective as a playmat... save your money and avoid the pressure to succumb to all of those money draining "necessities"... remember, BRU is in the business of making money off of your insecurity about being a parent (particularly in the registry department).  I'll try to stop telling you what to do now.
• I started giving "mom advice" totally unsolicited, which helped me to feel a little more empathetic to the moms who gave me that unsolicited advice, and made me feel hopeful that my friends will forgive me for "being an expert"... at everything.  Really, though, sorry; I will practice biting my tongue.
• Some suggestions were hard to try, but turned out to be the best suggestions ever.  Being firm about limits, for instance, was one of the hardest things to try, but became a source of great confidence and happiness.  "no, the scooter does not go in the pool"

When I became a mother to another...

• WHAT?!  NO!  I HATE BEING PREGNANT!  THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!  AWW... WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!  I LOVE OUR BABIES!...followed by sobbing, and inability to drink my milk tea.  (All the while, Ryan smiling like a kid on Christmas... again... and his reaction was the right reaction... again... my hormones always seem to get the better of me in that moment)
• I was thankful that the saved baby clothes had not yet made it up to the attic, and (still am) baffled that our receiving blankets, burp cloths, and some nice diapering supplies are completely vanished.
• One was suddenly quite simple and quite hard at the same time (perhaps because it was actually no longer just one).
• Diaper changes were shockingly simple.  How did I EVER get peed on with Dominic?
• Why was I worried that Dominic would suddenly morph into a nightmare of a child?  He always has been laid back, and remains to this day a very easy-going child.  He has an occasional tantrum (do not get me wrong, he HAS. HIS. TANTRUMS.), but I think that is because he is two, not because I have two.
• I discovered that it IS possible for my love to increase 100-fold, again.  There is nothing as captivating as the velvety skin of a newborn baby.  Oh, those first moments are the most precious moments of my life (at the birth of both of my sons).
• The miracle that is giving birth still totally boggles my mind.  At the same time that I totally amaze myself that I did that, I totally refuse to believe that it is even possible that I did that... did that really happen?!

That is all for now, and the caffeine has started to wear off, so I will not be editing this for spelling and grammar errors (if you catch one, comment, and I'll fix it... your cooperation and assistance is appreciated).  What are some of your thoughts on parenthood?

Welcome to LIFE!

Our family has more fun than I can begin to tell you. We (usually) opperate on an organic schedule, spend lots of time together, and genuinely enjoy each others' company.

When Ryan and I got married, we got the uber cable and dvr package and we were "living the life." We never missed our shows because they were recorded and waiting for us. We never had to choose between Rachel Ray and Ninja Warrior because we could watch one and record the other. We enjoyed marathon after marathon of our favorite shows! We spent our weekends catching up on hours of television, and our weekday evenings on the couch getting up to date on the latest home colors for fall (even though we lived in an apartment) or trying to guess which house that family was going to pick of the three options. Actually, the television was running our lives. We still spent time with friends, we still went on dates, but the MAJORITY of our time off of work together was spent looking at a lighted screen. There were some weekends that we "HAD TO STAY IN" because our dvr had 20 backed up episodes of shows that were about to be deleted. We didn't have time to read books for leisure. We were slaves to the TV.

We moved into our house and decided to try living without cable for a while, but the TV company could only set up our internet if we ordered a cable package for at least a month. So we ordered the cable and kept it for the required month. When we got rid of the cable we hooked up the television to the behemouth antenna the previous homeowner had left attached to our chimney. After "putting up with" the local channels we did something really crazy. We swapped our living and dining rooms to have a larger living space. We disconnected the massive antenna and moved the televison to a wall with no antenna jack. We freed ourselves from the television.

At first we still spent a lot of time watching movies or playing the Playstation 3. We gradually started spending more time at our parents' houses. Soon we started wondering what we had been wasting all of our time doing! We started picking up little house projects here and there. Our house started to settle into a liveable space. Our floors were refinished, the nursery was set up, the broken oven was replaced, the yellow 1972 toilets were replaced, the bathroom floors were tiled, the remaining rooms of our house were painted, the garage slowly emptied enough to fit one car, the living room got fresh and inviting furniture, the china was moved out of my in-laws upstairs closet and into our china cabinet, window treatments started going up, our son's room became orderly (and stayed orderly!), my Montessori work started coming together. Life was getting GOOD!

Life was getting so good, that we had forgotten about our previously life-consuming enterprise of television watching. I had shed a television addiction that I've carried since my childhood. Family gatherings became less about the golf tournament or football game and more about time with our family! We started to feel a little weirded out when we'd go places with a television just running in the background. We were noticing how much we had been missing! Suddenly there were a few more hours in every day or a few more hours of sleep to get every night. We started taking Dominic out to the park as he became more confident with walking. We bought a zoo membership and started taking regular family outtings to the zoo (sometimes only for a quick 30 minute trip before nap time, but with a membership... no fret... we'll see the okapi next time if we don't see it today!). I actually completed my Montessori training, without a very serious mental break-down that I had procrastinated beyond recovery... astonishing!

A noteworthy realization was that we didn't need constant entertainment anymore. We weren't missing all that television at all, and in fact, we really enjoyed getting netflix so we could watch a series of a television show here-and-there or to have a movie night every once in a while. Ryan and I started having more spontaneous "dates" and started having deeper conversations. Sometimes the drive home from the zoo would get us into such a rivetting conversation that we would stop off at Fioza (our favorite local coffe/tea/sandwich shop) and spend a few more hours laughing and debating and whirling off into other conversations (with Dominic asleep in his stroller or engrossed in observing his surroundings, or reading a book from the diaper bag). We played trivial persuit! We stopped using the board for the game because we had so much dang fun answering the questions and getting lost in conversation about the questions.

Our life became rich because of the time we spent with our families, because of the time we spent with our son, because of the time we spent together in silence reading, because of the time we had to be a family! Often we will sit at home and each of us (Dominic included) will be doing our own activities. He doesn't demand that we be with him all the time, and we are not locking him into a playroom full of stuff or putting him in front of a television to "keep him busy" so we can check the latest facebook debate or finish the laundry. He will bring us a book to read him every now and then and we'll end up reading four books a couple times each. Or we'll play some music, and end up having a family dance party for an hour. Sometimes we just take a nap in the afternoon.

When television left our list of "needs," we quickly forgot about it and quickly realized how much we had been missing. We have not felt bored for a moment. We haven't had to spend a ton of money on other activities or items in order to fill a void. We've carefully selected a few activities that work well for our family for days that we just need something to do (the zoo, library, and park), but those activities are free or nearly free. The change was a big one when we first made it, but in retrospect, it is one that I cannot imagine living without. We save tons of money that used to go to the cable company, we have freed up hours and hours a week, and we are genuinely enjoying the precious moments we have as a family. It is a change that I would encourage anyone to try for a couple months (Ryan dares you to try it for a year!). It is a change that has improved our lives a hundred fold!

Changes at the Casa Kitchen

After reluctantly watching the documentary films "Killer at Large" and "Food, Inc.," I've taken a radical plunge in my thinking about the food I put into my body and the bodies of my family members. I highly recommend the films, and I will be taking the book The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan from the library today to read it for more info.

The changes will include the following:

1. Only eating organic, free-range, grass-fed meat. This means we will be eating much less meat because I am sure it is not cheap to eat the new standard.

2. Eating fresh, organic, locally grown vegetables. We will be shopping weekly at the farmer's market for produce, and supplementing with produce from Whole Foods or Central Market.

3. Decreasing our intake of processed foods. Instead of packaged mixes, I'm going to be packaging my own convenient mixes to keep in the pantry (so long "blueberry muffin" mix that doesn't have blueberries on the ingredient list). Maybe I will post these "recipes" here if I get it worked out to a well-oiled homegrown machine.

4. We will be gardening. I have put this off since we bought our house. I have a few bags of soil in the garage and enough seeds to feed a village. I'm thinking that perfect is a lower priority than I've been making it, so I might just be going into the backyard, pouring the bags of soil on top of our "garden" space that is currently grassy and weed-riddled. Then I will plant the seeds... at this point I think our only crop will be Okra, but I will be looking into a timetable for planting a fall garden as well.

5. This one probably goes without saying, but we will be eating at home. The only person I can trust to care about the food that goes into our mouths is me, so I am going to be cooking more.

So there it is in writing. I will be posting updates, and I will probably not follow through on this stuff 100%. I know it is going to be more expensive, but I'm also confident that it is the right thing to do for my family. If you have some suggestions for "follow-through" on these items, please let me know. If you are in Houston and want to start a veggie co-op so we can buy in bulk and get better prices at the farmer's market, let me know that, too! Happy and healthy eating to you and yours!

A Day in the Life of a Busy and Independent Toddler

Yesterday, I watched the film “Eddison’s Day,” and I was absolutely shocked by the capabilities of the 20-month-old “star” of the film, Eddison. The film was made in one day following his activities from waking up to reading a book for bedtime; his mom is an AMI-trained Montessorian for the 0-3 age range. His environment is impeccable. He is happy, confident, independent, and very connected to his family and world. I was so shocked by the film that I watched it 2 more times and furiously scribbled notes (the third viewing I realized I could press the “pause” button). I’d like to share my notes from the film to offer some guidance about appropriate activities for toddlers that may shock you into finding this film at a local Montessori school parent library, so you can “see it to believe it!” I've broken the activities down into a "time of day" format, and within each section I list the activities first and then the considerations a parent should make to facilitate the activities.

Early Morning Activities

· Activities

o Going outside to retrieve the newspaper (with parental supervision).

o Setting the family table for breakfast and eating breakfast independently, even spreading jam or peanut butter on his own toast with a real child-sized knife and pouring a pre-portioned amount of milk out of a small pitcher into a drinking glass.

o Clearing breakfast dishes from table independently.

o Feeding the cat a pre-portioned amount of food, and giving the cat water from an accessible (low) water source.

· Accessibility Considerations

o Dishes should be low enough for the child to reach without adult help, and open shelving is best for young children to see everything they need;

o The child should be allowed to use real dishes and flatware (breakable, beautiful, stainless steel, child-sized);

o The child needs a chair that he can climb into on his own that pulls up to the family (adult-sized) table;

o The parent will have to pre-portion drinks and spreads into small containers that are manageable for the child: a small “sauce bowl” for jam, or a coffee creamer sized pitcher for drinks. There will be slightly more dirty dishes.

o A low, accessible place to put dirty dishes, like a small cart or bin; later the child can help rinse them at the sink. If this seems superfluous, allow the child to wash dishes after each meal in the sink and load dishes into the dishwasher by himself.

o For animal care, the child needs manageable containers with the correct amount already measured out or a built-in control for the correct amount (one cup full, or one small pitcher of water). The child needs access to a low water source, like a glass crock of water on a low shelf. The animal care tray should be as simple as a tray with a cup or pre-portioned container for with an easy-open lid for dry food and a small pitcher for water.

Getting Ready for the Day

· Activities

o Brush teeth, looking into a low accessible mirror, mom squeezes toothpaste.

o Use a small potty independently (managing pulling down and pulling up his own pants)

o Choose own outfit from a limited selection of clothing.

o Undress from PJs and get dressed with some, but very little, adult help. Admire himself in a mirror.

o Carry his own backpack with a change of clothes if leaving for school (toddler community in the film) or going for an outing.

o Walk outside independently, even down steps, and to the car.

· Accessibility Considerations

o Low mirror in the bathroom.

o Small potty-chair with spare/dry changes of underpants and books close at hand in a basket or small cubby.

o An easy-open closet or wardrobe with a low clothing rail with two tops and two bottoms hanging (for a girl maybe a dress and a separates option?). A couple bins or baskets below the rail with staples like socks, accessories, and underwear (yes, they can be potty trained this young, with minimal accidents).

o A hamper in the dressing/undressing area. A simple and small basket is sufficient… they have little clothes!

o Hooks near the door with hats and coats (that can be offered upon leaving) and a backpack with spare clothes or diapering essentials… toss the diaper bag and let the kid carry his own stuff!

o Step-stool to get outside if the drop is too steep.

At School

· Activities

o Enter the school walking with or even ahead of Mom.

o Open the door to his class, and separate from mom without tears or trauma.

o Simplified table-top hand-washing

o Do activities independently and with concentration and repetition.

o Do activities in the company of a small community

· Accessibility Considerations

o Security that parent will be picking him up on time, a cheerful and trusting parents who separate in a matter-of-fact, “see you later, I love you” kind of way.

o Handwashing setup: Terrycloth apron, small bowl (that can fit both toddler hands), small pitcher that can fill the bowl in one go, and a smaller bowl with a small bar of soap. A hand towel for drying. This activity can be set up on a low table at home as well; children LOVE this.

On a “Play Date”

· Activities

o Share outdoor toys and tricycles with a friend (of the same age)

o Harvest fruit from the yard (or veggies from the home garden, or herbs with some help).

o Eat lunch with a friend at a low table; they pass each other the small pitcher with water to pour their own drinks, and have simple (toddler) conversation “you want some?” “thank you” “mmm… pears”

o Attempting a low balance beam (2x4 plank on the ground secured with small supports along the board)

o Share toys indoors with a friend.

o Return toys and musical instruments to their places on the low shelf in the family room.

o Dig in the sand at a beach and use a pail and shovel.

· Accessibility Considerations

o Freedom to play independently with adult supervision (no hovering! They can do it!).

o Accessible dishes (as with breakfast), and a low picnic table outside is a nice variation to eating lunch.

o Clear and orderly toy layout (see below “At Home” for more details)

o Freedom to get dirty (play in sand, pick up insects, and explore).

Out and About

· Activities

o Help pick out flowers, fruits, and vegetables at a farmers market. Place the veggies into bags, smell the fruits and vegetables, use basic language for the items in the market.

o Wash the car in the driveway with dad. Spray water with the hose, wash the car with a soapy sponge, apply wax or polish with a cloth.

· Accessibility Considerations

o Let the child walk as much as possible, holding hands, and let the child take a little detour every now and then to check something out.

o Give language for EVERYTHING and allow the child to have a sensory experience of the things in his world.

o Provide child-sized (real, not toy) activities that are part of home life. Small sponge and cloth for washing the car, for instance. Live with the child, not around him.

At Home

· Activities

o Read books with mom, selecting books from a limited supply on a low shelf.

o Work with modeling clay (or play doh), using simple clay tools and cleaning up independently.

o “washing” windows and play equipment (tricycle, wheelbarrow) outside with a wet sponge.

o Name items in nature and in the home.

o Handling and returning items in nature: snails, leaves, flowers, pears (from the tree in the backyard… sweet!).

o Simplified flower arranging: placing flowers cut by parents into a pre-filled vase.

· Accessibility Considerations

o Low bookshelf with a few books displayed clearly on it; rotate books as interest wanes, but keep the selection to a few books at a time.

o Activities should be self-contained and clear in their setup/use: A tray with a small board for rolling the clay, a small (child fist) sized ball of clay, a couple simple rolling and cutting tools. A tray with a few crayons at a time in a small dish and a fresh piece of paper. A tray with a sponge and a drying cloth for wiping the table. A tray with a watering can and small cloth for watering plants and drying small drips of water.

o The activities should be displayed on low open shelving, within the child’s reach. Each activity, toy, or instrument should have its own clear space on the shelf; “catch-all” bins or baskets are great for “easy” clean-up, but they do not provide the same clear and orderly presentation that the shelf provides. With an orderly and consistent layout, the child is able to choose activities and put things away himself. It would probably be surprising to see that a child this young is EXTREMELY orderly in a well-prepared environment. It is rare a child pulling many things out at a time when things are set up as above, and it is amazing to see the level of concentration and engagement a child can exhibit in working with one carefully selected item at a time.

o Access to the outdoors with purposeful activities such as a balance beam, tricycle, sponge for cleaning, a broom for sweeping.

Cooking Dinner

· Activities

o Pouring pre-portioned ingredients into a mixing bowl, dry and wet ingredients.

o Mixing ingredients with a child-sized spatula, with limited instruction from mom “let’s try to keep it in the bowl.”

o Kneading dough.

o Brushing pizza dough with olive oil.

o Assembling pre-sliced ingredients on a pizza: mozzarella, tomatoes, basil

o Preparing dessert batter as above, and spooning dessert batter over a cobbler, with limited direction from mom, “can you add some over here?” Taking turns and accepting help.

o Washing dishes at the sink using a soapy sponge with dad. Wiping dirty or wet counter tops.

o Distinguishing trash and recyclables and putting them in the appropriate containers.

o Setting the table for the whole family and eating at the family table.

· Accesibility Considerations

o Child-sized aprons (made of two large hand towels sewn together with space for the head are great for absorbency!).

o A kitchen tower that elevates the child to counter height to work with the parents (learning tower, or kitchen helper… I’ve heard there are some platforms available at home depot that may work just as well).

o Small versions of cooking utensils.

o Constant supervision; this is a “doing with” type of situation.

o Child-sized brooms on low hooks for clean-up.

o Small sponge at the sink.

o Low trash and recycling bins, if the child will help take out trash and recyclables, the indoor bins should be small enough for the child to carry (even with some strong effort it is ok, but not so huge that he cannot manage).

Before Bedtime

· Activities

o Take out a small bin of recyclables to the large bin. Climb up on a step stool to put the recyclables into the bin. Walk with dad to help take the garbage bin to the curb.

o Add bubbles to bathwater with a little direction “let’s save some for next time.”

o Choose two bath toys from a low cabinet.

o Undress with a little bit of help from mom.

o Put clothes into hamper.

o Wet his own body with a cup and a washcloth.

o Bathe with a washcloth and some parental help to get the hard to reach places (behind ears, back, etc).

o Asked for help to wash hair, but closed his own eyes to have his hair rinsed.

o Put on robe with some help from mom (after mom dries him off and gives some snuggles). Hang towel on a low hook.

o Remove robe and hang on low hook in his room.

o Dress in PJs with minimal help from mom.

· Accessibility Considerations

o A step stool to reach the outdoor recycling bin, adult help to open and close the large bin.

o Small manageable container with bubbles for the child.

o Expectation of a limit to the number of toys that can be taken into the tub (one per hand makes a lot of sense). The child is then able to return the toys to the shelf without having an overwhelming mess or large number of toys to clean up.

o Freedom to do for himself.

o Low hooks that the child can reach to hang up towels, robes, re-wearable pjs, etc.